10 days

In just 10 more days, my life will have been eternally changed for a complete year. It has changed alot throughout the year. As most know, my Gamma died in January 2008. The hit was awful. I don't think anything has, or ever will, wake me up more than the moment I heard that she passed away. The following months were full of regret and blame. I didn't think of it too much during my first semester of college, but during the Christmas break, it started to hit me harder than ever.
Throughout the year, I would drop by the graveyard and sit by her headstone and talk to her. Most of it was apologies for not doing enough or talk of recent events. I pray every night hoping that God will send her back in some way, even for just a minute. Just to see her again for a second would really mean the world to me. If we could have a short conversation for me to tell her that I love her and to know that she forgives me and still loves me.
I don't know what else to really do. I wait for her to come and see me. Sometimes I feel her and hear her. Sometimes I think that I see her, but I know that it's not her that I see.
I'm beginning to realize that I can't go to her house. I can't run inside to hug her before all of my siblings. I can't smell the aroma of her outstanding cooking. I can't help her wash dishes or dirty them up. I will never taste her southern sweet tea again. I can't help her put up her Christmas tree next year. I can't buy her another present for any holiday. I can't spend the night at her house anymore and awaken to the smell of her scrambled eggs and sausage, which I never ate.
When I ask to see her again, I tell myself that I'm not scared, but when I really think about it, I think that I am. I'm so afraid that I would not be forgiven or loved. I want to see her so badly, but I don't know if I could take it emotionally. It may sound crazy, but I want to see her, but only just to see her. Maybe for her to flash me a smile and maybe give me a hug, and not say anything. I don't know what would be better.