OK... so I've completely lost control of everything.
Life just seems to be a blur at the moment. Everything is speeding by faster than I can keep up. Blow after blow upon my brow in an eternal loop of knocking me to the ground. I don't know whether or not to get up anymore.
In my last post, I desribed that Eli and I had been fighting once more. We got back together after a few days and everything seemed fine again. Well, last night Eli got back from his college visit in Savannah. I'm happy for him and the fact that he found a place that he might enjoy. I want him to have a great life and everything he had ever dreamed of even if it's not with me. He told me how great it was and how laid back the environment was. He also said that it was better than Atlanta because he didn't feel like he was going to be jumped everytime he turned a corner. It was also alot more 'friendly' than Atlanta. Plus it's not far from the beach. He said that the people seemed nice and that it was much bigger than Atlanta.
He then told me that he had applied. I hope that he gets in and all... but I'm going to be going to Atlanta alone now. I asked him if Savannah had animation, but he said that I had already been accepted to Atlanta and should stay there. It feels like he doesn't even want me with him. I don't know whether to transfer anyways or not. I could do that you know. The point is that I want to be with him and it just seems that he doesn't want to be with me. Does he want me to go to Atlanta alone, where he thinks that HE of all people could be jumped at any second? I just don't know what to think about us anymore. It truly feels like he doesn't care at all.
Well, apparently his Mom feels like I "hold him back". This really cut deep when he told me this. Hold him back? Woman, I encourage him to do well in school. He wouldn't have even gotten into any of the classes that he was in this semester had I not signed him up for them myself. Hold him back? I remind him of everything that needs to be done and their deadlines. I help him to study. If I hold him back so much, then why am I even here? I lose either way. If I give him up, I'll be devastated and, if he even cares about me anymore, he will too. If I stay with him I'll continue to "hold him back".
I just can never seem to win.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Have I Told You Lately...
For the past week or so, I've been following a blog called Laissezfaire Design. The woman who contributes to the blog is absolutely fascinating. Everything on that blog is just making me want to grow up and get my own home even faster. I love the interior design and other accents to the home that she goes on about and the pictures are exquisite.
Also... last night was the final straw. Eli and I broke up. I'm not sure what to take about it. I don't know if we'll stay this way or not. It was hard being in our art classes together today. We barely even spoke the entire time.
Eli had told me that this weekend, he would be going with his family to Savannah to look for some beach places to go during the summer. I found this to sound weird, but understood. Last night, I found out the truth about what he would be doing this weekend. He and his family would be going to Savannah for him to look at a college that he really wants to go to. He wants to take up illustration design. Well, when I asked him why he didn't tell me, he simply said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. This made me infuriated. The one time that he actually CONSIDERED my feelings before lying, it wouldn't have mattered. I would've been ecstatic for him. Pursuing his dream is nothing to feel hurt or get angry about. Out of all the times that he lied about cheating on me and looking at pornography he didn't consider my feelings. When it doesn't matter he does.
Finding out that he lied to me about this made me think and wonder what kind of girlfriend I must be for him to think that I would get angry or sad to find out that he wanted to go and visit a college. I must seriously be the most bothersome and hurtful girlfriend on the planet. I broke up with him and told him that now he can find a girl that will actually not fuss at him for grades, will do what he wants to do, and won't complain about stuff all the time because that seems to be all that I do.
Also... last night was the final straw. Eli and I broke up. I'm not sure what to take about it. I don't know if we'll stay this way or not. It was hard being in our art classes together today. We barely even spoke the entire time.
Eli had told me that this weekend, he would be going with his family to Savannah to look for some beach places to go during the summer. I found this to sound weird, but understood. Last night, I found out the truth about what he would be doing this weekend. He and his family would be going to Savannah for him to look at a college that he really wants to go to. He wants to take up illustration design. Well, when I asked him why he didn't tell me, he simply said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. This made me infuriated. The one time that he actually CONSIDERED my feelings before lying, it wouldn't have mattered. I would've been ecstatic for him. Pursuing his dream is nothing to feel hurt or get angry about. Out of all the times that he lied about cheating on me and looking at pornography he didn't consider my feelings. When it doesn't matter he does.
Finding out that he lied to me about this made me think and wonder what kind of girlfriend I must be for him to think that I would get angry or sad to find out that he wanted to go and visit a college. I must seriously be the most bothersome and hurtful girlfriend on the planet. I broke up with him and told him that now he can find a girl that will actually not fuss at him for grades, will do what he wants to do, and won't complain about stuff all the time because that seems to be all that I do.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Meh
Well, this past weekend was supposed to be great, but it slowly turned into a disaster.
On Friday, my brother, Michael, went on a church retreat for the weekend. That night, I went to Eli's for a while to hang out and watch TV.
On Saturday, I didn't really do too much but stay around the house. I went to the store with my Mom in my pijamas because I didn't even get dressed. After the day was gone, Eli came over for the evening. My family and I played a game called Sequence. It was a load of fun and we all enjoyed it. Then the bad part began. Eli and I were sitting on the couch and he started yawning. I like to mess with him sometimes and so I tickled him so that he couldn't get it out. Afterwards, he fussed at me and said that he doesn't want me to do that anymore because he "hates it when I do that". Well, whenever I complain about him doing something that I hate, he doesn't stop. He might for a while, but he just does it again eventually. When he fusses, I usually stop completely.
Well, then we got into a fight over the phone after he called to let me know that he was home safe. He explained that he was depressed from all of the things that have been happening to him lately and he was just very irritable. I told him that I understood that wrecking his truck was troublesome to him and that it was like losing a family member. He insisted that I didn't understand and so I said, "I know that you have put your life into that truck. You have put your heart and soul in it to make it completely yours. I understand what it's like to lose something like that." Of course I was referring to my Gamma who died in January 2008. He again didn't believe me and so he said, "It was like if you took Oreo out on a walk and someone came up and shot her". This threw me over the edge. I began to cry about how I did understand how it is to lose a family member more than he ever has or ever will. I told him that he doesn't know what it's like to know that the one thing you ever put your all into was dead. I finally ended with, "At least your truck came back to life" and we were quiet. He tried to apologize but I honestly didn't want to hear it. He had pushed it too far for me this time.
Sunday was the worst day of all. During the day, I was beginning my new art project. I needed a lime for my still life and my Mom was going to take me to the store. I called Eli and asked him to bring over his camera. He said that he would. He then began to apologize for the night before and I told him that I really didn't want to hear that over the phone and wanted to hear it in person for once. He came over and was on his way to the store anyways and so I went on with him to the store to get my lime. We had to go to PepBoys first for him to get a horn for his truck. The entire time over there, he didn't speak to me at all. I didn't speak either. When we were done there, he asked if I was ever going to say anything. I told him that I didn't have anything to say. When we sat back in the truck, he said he was sorry about everything.
We then went to the store and I bought my lime. He didn't attempt to apologize again.
After all of this, I found out that Oreo has gotten a huge gasp on her back right leg. I could only think of what Eli had said the previous night. We had to take her to a pet emergency room and let her get cleaned up and have stiches. I was unable to go because I had church. When I dropped Eli's and my art supplies off at his house, I hurried back home to see Oreo. Even after the 2 hours she'd been gone, she still wasn't back from the hospital. She finally got home an hour later and she was completely drugged. She came in the door and ran into walls and the floor with her cone. She kept her leg up so she didn't have to apply pressure to it.
I talked to Eli via phone again that night and I asked him if he thought that we were going to make it through this one. He said that he believed so because we had gotten through worse things. He asked me and I replied, "You can cheat on me and lie to me but this time you took it way too far".
I don't know if we're going to make it through this one. I love him and I want to be with him, but I really don't know if I can take this. What he did was hurtful beyond repair and I really don't know whether to love him anymore.
On Friday, my brother, Michael, went on a church retreat for the weekend. That night, I went to Eli's for a while to hang out and watch TV.
On Saturday, I didn't really do too much but stay around the house. I went to the store with my Mom in my pijamas because I didn't even get dressed. After the day was gone, Eli came over for the evening. My family and I played a game called Sequence. It was a load of fun and we all enjoyed it. Then the bad part began. Eli and I were sitting on the couch and he started yawning. I like to mess with him sometimes and so I tickled him so that he couldn't get it out. Afterwards, he fussed at me and said that he doesn't want me to do that anymore because he "hates it when I do that". Well, whenever I complain about him doing something that I hate, he doesn't stop. He might for a while, but he just does it again eventually. When he fusses, I usually stop completely.
Well, then we got into a fight over the phone after he called to let me know that he was home safe. He explained that he was depressed from all of the things that have been happening to him lately and he was just very irritable. I told him that I understood that wrecking his truck was troublesome to him and that it was like losing a family member. He insisted that I didn't understand and so I said, "I know that you have put your life into that truck. You have put your heart and soul in it to make it completely yours. I understand what it's like to lose something like that." Of course I was referring to my Gamma who died in January 2008. He again didn't believe me and so he said, "It was like if you took Oreo out on a walk and someone came up and shot her". This threw me over the edge. I began to cry about how I did understand how it is to lose a family member more than he ever has or ever will. I told him that he doesn't know what it's like to know that the one thing you ever put your all into was dead. I finally ended with, "At least your truck came back to life" and we were quiet. He tried to apologize but I honestly didn't want to hear it. He had pushed it too far for me this time.
Sunday was the worst day of all. During the day, I was beginning my new art project. I needed a lime for my still life and my Mom was going to take me to the store. I called Eli and asked him to bring over his camera. He said that he would. He then began to apologize for the night before and I told him that I really didn't want to hear that over the phone and wanted to hear it in person for once. He came over and was on his way to the store anyways and so I went on with him to the store to get my lime. We had to go to PepBoys first for him to get a horn for his truck. The entire time over there, he didn't speak to me at all. I didn't speak either. When we were done there, he asked if I was ever going to say anything. I told him that I didn't have anything to say. When we sat back in the truck, he said he was sorry about everything.
We then went to the store and I bought my lime. He didn't attempt to apologize again.
After all of this, I found out that Oreo has gotten a huge gasp on her back right leg. I could only think of what Eli had said the previous night. We had to take her to a pet emergency room and let her get cleaned up and have stiches. I was unable to go because I had church. When I dropped Eli's and my art supplies off at his house, I hurried back home to see Oreo. Even after the 2 hours she'd been gone, she still wasn't back from the hospital. She finally got home an hour later and she was completely drugged. She came in the door and ran into walls and the floor with her cone. She kept her leg up so she didn't have to apply pressure to it.
I talked to Eli via phone again that night and I asked him if he thought that we were going to make it through this one. He said that he believed so because we had gotten through worse things. He asked me and I replied, "You can cheat on me and lie to me but this time you took it way too far".
I don't know if we're going to make it through this one. I love him and I want to be with him, but I really don't know if I can take this. What he did was hurtful beyond repair and I really don't know whether to love him anymore.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Accepted!
The past week or so has been awesome. Two Sundays ago, it snowed and I got to miss two days of school. South Carolina had a full 4 inches of snow, which for us is an avalanche. In these two days, I helped to make two snowmen, had a huge snowball fight with my sister, Cassidy, and made snowangels with her as well.
On Wednesday, Eli and I went to the Bob Jones art gallery and worked on our Art History papers. That day, I received a letter with confirmation of my acceptance in Decatur.
The next day, I went to hang out with my friends Hunter, Justin, and Keith C.. I know that I had given up movies for Lent, but they had decided on watching a movie since Hunter would be going back to Massachusetts. We watched Into the Wild that night after my Chinese class at Furman.
On Friday, I got the top set of my braces. That night, I went with my friend David to see a play called How To Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying at Riverside High. It was hilarious and exactly the kind of play that I had hoped to see. There, I saw my friends Keith L., Michael, Christopher, Andrew, Matt, and Brooke. While I was at the play, Eli had come over to my house and played a few games with Cassidy.
Saturday, Eli called from work and asked if I would want to go downtown because it was so beautiful. He picked me up after work and we walked around downtown before deciding to eat at Mellow Mushroom. Now, with my braces, it was fiarly difficult to eat. I did, however, eat three pieces of cheese pizza, cut up, and a soft salty pretzel.
Sunday was Eli and my 34 month mark. We chose to celebrate via picnic by the Reedy River. When we finally parked downtown in the Bowater Parking Garage, we realized that there was an Irish festival going on. We were able to enjoy our picnic with the liveliness of downtown Greenville. After the picnic, I went to church and then on to his house for the Sunday night movie. For those of you who are wondering: during Lent, you are allowed to endulge yourself in your given up activity on Sundays. We watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.
On Wednesday, Eli and I went to the Bob Jones art gallery and worked on our Art History papers. That day, I received a letter with confirmation of my acceptance in Decatur.
The next day, I went to hang out with my friends Hunter, Justin, and Keith C.. I know that I had given up movies for Lent, but they had decided on watching a movie since Hunter would be going back to Massachusetts. We watched Into the Wild that night after my Chinese class at Furman.
On Friday, I got the top set of my braces. That night, I went with my friend David to see a play called How To Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying at Riverside High. It was hilarious and exactly the kind of play that I had hoped to see. There, I saw my friends Keith L., Michael, Christopher, Andrew, Matt, and Brooke. While I was at the play, Eli had come over to my house and played a few games with Cassidy.
Saturday, Eli called from work and asked if I would want to go downtown because it was so beautiful. He picked me up after work and we walked around downtown before deciding to eat at Mellow Mushroom. Now, with my braces, it was fiarly difficult to eat. I did, however, eat three pieces of cheese pizza, cut up, and a soft salty pretzel.
Sunday was Eli and my 34 month mark. We chose to celebrate via picnic by the Reedy River. When we finally parked downtown in the Bowater Parking Garage, we realized that there was an Irish festival going on. We were able to enjoy our picnic with the liveliness of downtown Greenville. After the picnic, I went to church and then on to his house for the Sunday night movie. For those of you who are wondering: during Lent, you are allowed to endulge yourself in your given up activity on Sundays. We watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
