I Dare You To Move

I Dare You To Move - Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before


Well, it's almost 3 am and I'm still awake on my computer having some thoughts. I began listening to this song about half an hour ago. It's played a good many times, seeing as it's on repeat and all. Even though it's played for a long time, I just really listened to it. It just became loud in my ears all of a sudden. I was amazed at it. I began to cry, not only because of the song, but the song had alot to do with it.

The first few lines talk about how you're part of the world. You're only one other person, yet everyone else is wanting for you to do what you are here to do. It says that you should do what you want next. You shouldn't consider what happened today because, in the grand scheme of things, "Today never happened". "The tension is here, between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be", is a person's reflection upon themselves. You could be so many different people, but you are who you are. So many things happen, but that doesn't mean they should happen. Then it goes on to say that Jesus died for your sins and no matter where you are, Salvation is always going to be there. Forgiveness is going to be wherever you fall. Redemption is always going to change people and they are going to have things to tell you.

This relates to the conversation that Eli and I have been having for the past couple of hours. We've been discussing who we actually are. I think that I am a helper. He doesn't know who he is. I think that everything can be fixed, and that everyone can be helped. He thinks that not everything and not everyone can be fixed or helped. I don't know what to think about this. I believe and want to continue to believe what I think, but he could be right. I don't want him to be right, but he has good points and examples. Could it be that everything I've ever believed in is wrong. I've been living in the world I never wanted to find myself in?

Just a Few More Days

So Christmas is on its way and I'm completely done with my Christmas shopping. We have alot of family coming over on Christmas Eve for our family gift opening and dinner. My Uncle Ken, my sister Julie and her husband Tate, my cousins Charlie, Nelson, and Tonya, and then my second cousins Scott, Tiffany, and Tonya's two little boys are all coming to our house. Not to mention Eli. We're going to have a FULL house when everyone gets here.
Today, my Mom and I went and got some food to prepare for Wednesday night.
I'm just about done with Eli's present. I'm going to do just a few more things to it and it will be COMPLETELY done and ready for him open on Christmas Eve. I'm sure that he will love it and that he will love ME even MORE for making it. That's right I hand-made the entire present of his except for a few pieces. I just know that he will love it. My Mom loves it too. I think that I've found something that I really enjoy doing and I want to do another one soon. Well, I'm going to post pictures after I'm done with the final touches. Of course, pictures will be posted after Eli opens it as well!
Ciao!

Not So Far Away

Christmas is not far away. I'm very excited because my awesome friend Hunter is coming home from Clark University. I'm very excited to have him home again. We've already planned on going clubbing and we're also going to have a sleepover. I'm pumped because we haven't had 'the guys' together since this past summer. There is 5 of us. Hunter, Justin, David, McLovin, and me. I don't know what I would do without them. Anyways, we went camping this past summer for 2 nights and, even though McLovin was unable to go, had a blast. I don't think that I've ever had so much fun in my life! Anyways, I was able to see Hunter over the Thanksgiving Break, but not enough to make up for this past school year!
Anyways, with Christmas coming up soon, I'm going to be having allot of stuff to do. I know that my friend Anthony is coming up from Columbia and Hunter is coming from Maryland. David is coming from North Greenville and family is coming from everywhere. It's definitely going to be a crazy Christmas Break.

Song I've Been Listening To

I've been listening to a song, LITERALLY, on repeat for 3 days. The song is 'Animal I've Become' by Three Days Grace. I have found a great liking to it and what it kind of stands for. The lyrics go like this

I can't escape this Hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever change
This animal I have become
Help me believe
It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
I can't escape myself
So many times I've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever change
This animal I have become
Help me believe
It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame
This animal I have become
Help me believe
It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this Hell
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever change
This animal I have become
Help me believe
It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame
This animal I have become
Help me believe
It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Now the story behind this song is that Eli and I were listening to it after this fight that we had and he commented that it was ironic that this song would play while we were in the presense of one another. I listened to the lyrics and the type of music it played to maybe understand what was going on in this song. I came to a real liking of the song and what it stood for. I think that I have listened to it well over a hundred times. Maybe even two hundred times! I have absolutely fallen for it and I really like the singer's voice. The feeling that you get when you hear it is indescribable.

Psychology Exam Grade is IN!!!

So today, I got home and checked my email and my Psychology grade was in the system! I clicked on the 'My Grades' tab and closed my eyes... I saw the greatest grade ever... an 86! Anyways, today was my Math exam. I think that I did very well with it. Everyone in there was complaining beforehand about how they had bad grades in there and they had to ace the exam in order to even pass the class. I really hope that some of them made it because one of them commented that he has been in that class 4 times now.

Anyhoo... my semester is done and over with and I'm excited for the next one to come

Another Day Turns Into Eternal Fire

So exams have begun and tomorrow they end. I have taken 4 of the 5 exams. On Monday, I took my Music Appreciation exam. Tuesday was the only exam I was really worried about, Psychology. Today, Wednesday, was the Computer and English exams. I made a 101.9 on the computer and a 90 on the English. I'm fairly proud of those two grades. The rest of my grades are yet to come.
One thing that I have noticed about myself is that, with dating Eli, I have come to really like men with white trucks. I will see a white truck on the road and just almost go crazy. I thought it was kind of weird the other day, noticing that such a thing would get to me.

Brain Songs

I have been contemplating this ever since I began learning about the capacity of the brain in my Psychology class. I think that the ability for the brain to remember and recite the lyrics to songs is amazing.
I was on Facebook doing a note that has to do with music and then I realized that once I wrote a few words of the song I could sing the rest of the song. I think that it's amazing that the brain can do something like that. I was then curious as too see songs that I could just look at the title and artist and recite the first few lines and maybe hum the tune. When looking through my library I found that I could pretty much do so for every song I looked at. I didn't go through my entire library, mostly because that would take hours, but I went through a good bit of it.
I just wanted to help you realize how amazing your brain really is. For a simple organ to have such potential is amazing and we really take it for granted.

Person in my House?

Last night, I had a very weird dream. I was at a pool but it was only 5 feet and 10 inches deep. For those of you who don't know me well, that's a inch taller than me. I was at the bottom of this pool standing straight up with my hands in the air, but I couldn't breathe or anything so I was hurting. Then, my friend, Keith, lifted me from the water. I was able to breathe again. I was above surface then, and we went back to my house which was, miraculously, his house in my dream. This caused for me to call my Mom and ask her where I lived. When I called her, she said that we lived inside a trailer in the woods. I left to find this place, and when I opened the door to a disgusting looking trailer, I heard a noise. I closed the door to find a slightly opened closet door behind it. I slowly began to open the closet door when I saw a large clear plastic bag. It was like one of those bags that covers up your dry-cleaned clothes. Inside, was a hand. Whomever the hand belonged to must have heard me and it stretched out the fingers and then the body that was connected to it, yet not seen by my eyes, moaned. I was about to pull back the object that was covering the remaining body when I noticed that the underside of the palm, was slightly black. Those of you who know me and the people in my life will know who it is by that description. I froze with my arm outstretched when I came to the conclusion of whom the covered person was. I knew those hands anywhere. It was Eli. When I was just about to lunge forward and rip the things piled atop my pained boyfriend, a sharp object protruded into my back.
I jolted from my slumber and threw back my sheets and blankets. I immediatley jumped off of my bed and frantically tried to tell myself that I was ok and that I was not under any attack. This, of course, did not calm me down. I began to go and wash my hair, but was so afraid to do so with an eerie feeling of another being in my house. I called Eli to make sure that he wasn't there and then I got a knife and searched my house in hopes of not finding anyone. I still have the feeling that someone must be in my house, but it doesn't matter now because I'm at school.

Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving has been great so far.
Yesterday I went to Fuddruckers with Kasandra. I got my usual grilled cheese sandwiches. She got a burger. We ended up talking for a long time and having a wonderful long dinner. Then, we left and I went to Hobby Lobby. It was lovely and I got the things that I needed for the rest of Eli's Christmas present. Then I was able to go and have dinner with Hunter, Justin, and David. It was lovely. We went to a small Vietnamese restaurant. I had some rice and a bubble tea. Then we went back to Hunter's house for some awesome pie. I had some apple pie and we also played Farcry on the XBox 360. After everything, I had to go to Eli's Mom's for us to have a conversation about the things that have been going on lately.
To explain what happened, he insulted me in a way and we are now on a break for 3 and a half weeks. We have agreed on no contact. I'm not really liking it right now, but he told me that he wants to do this to teach himself a lesson.
Today, I woke up and I helped my Mom to clean the house. We just vacuumed and stuff. It was close to noon or so before anyone arrived. The first to arrive was Jim and Tracey and their four kids, Greg, Matt, Trevor, and Jamie. Greg walked up the stairs and I rushed up behind him and jumped on to his back. Not too long afterwards, we drove to the hotel. Cassidy and I were the first one's there to see my Gramma and Grampa Jones. It was awesome because me and my siblings have this huge thing to be the first to hug relatives when they arrive.
We then went to K&W Cafeteria for Thanksgiving dinner. We all ate and had our conversations. Afterwards, we went back to the hotel and hung out. Trevor, Matt, Michael, and I played card games. After a few games of 'Shitface' and 'BS', the 4 of us piled in my car and we went back to my house to watch Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay (in reviews). When the movie was over, we all began to get ready for bed and such. I talked to Keith for about 2 hours about some of the things that have been going on lately. It was great to be able to get some of my feelings off of my chest. It wasn't long after we hung up that I went to sleep.
The next morning, I got up and took a shower. My Mom took Matt back to the hotel and when I called her, we decided that I would meet her, Matt, Gramma, and Tracey at the mall for Black Friday shopping. I got a small necklace pendant that says 'P.S. I ♥ U' on it. That means alot to me. I also got a new gray sweater shirt to replace one of my really old blue ones. We then went back to the hotel and played more games. I talked to Greggie some about whats been going on with him lately. It was pretty cool. I talked to Justin and Cody some about their Thanksgivings and they had good ones. Kasandra called me and we talked for a while about some stuff that's been happening. The family ordered some pizza and we continued to play cards. The little girls swam a whole bunch. When it was 9pm, I left to go and visit Hunter before he had to go back to Clark University. It was great to be able to see him and help him out with a paper he was working on. I talked to him about some important things and he helped me out alot. When I left his house, I went home and worked on my English paper some. Matt came to spend the night again. He and my brother pretty much played online on the PS3. I worked on my paper a good bit and then around 2:30am I went to bed.
In the morning, we took Matt back to the hotel and helped everyone pack up and get ready to go. I had brought my solo DVD and my scrapbook to show the family. They all loved it. Tracey put my solo on the lobby television for everyone in there to watch. It was all just family though. After we took our family pictures and such, we waved goodbye to Jim, Tracey, Greggie, Matt, Trevor, and Jamie. Then we drove off to the house with my Gramma and Grampa. They're staying until Tuesday or so.
We all got home and I worked on my English paper some more. Around 4, I went over to Keith's house for a Thanksgiving Break get-together. We had alot of people there. Keith, Christopher, James, Ed, Ashley, Brooke, Michael, Richard, Sean, and I were all there. Not to mention Keith's Mom and Grandfather. Keith made some baked macaroni and cheese and some sour-cream cheesecake. There was also spiced apple cider and that was wonderful. We played Apples-to-Apples for fun. Michael and I sang 'O Holy Night' while he played the piano and it sounded great. I love singing with him. He's so talented. When I finally left, I went home only to go back out again with the family for dinner at 'California Dreamin''.

Without the Stars

This is another song by Basshunter that I've loved since the moment I heard it, but I only just looked up the English translation and now I love it even more.

Without the stars what would happen with us then?
Without anything that shines on the sky what would I rest on then?
Without the stars, say how would we manage then?
Without anything that brighten up our way
Whom would we rely on?
As we may not forget that all stars are life
They are the life as we are, although they live in another world
The world of feelings, where all souls have their place
In heaven, in life's dream palaces,
Without the stars
Without the stars what would our hearts believe in?
Without that what helps us to see, how would then our love grow?
Without the stars could you love me then?
Would you then feel safe when I'm close to you?
As we may not forget that all stars are life
They are the life as we are, although they live in another world
The world of feelings, where you and me can find peace, will never end, I hope
Above the world we live in. Without the stars.

I enjoyed to find the real meaning behind this song. I just love listening to songs in different languages and then finding their translations. It's great I think. To find that, even though it's a different language from a different country and from people thousands of miles away, these songs are just like those we listen to every day. All of these songs of love, lost love, worry, hope, faith, and others. It's amazing to me that all people want the same things, but even more amazing still that everyone has their different way of approaching these desires. Some take the romantic road. Some take a road of lust. Some take a road of hurt. It all depends on the person.
Anyways, what would we be without the stars? Such things that cause us to wonder about the universe. Things that are beyond beauty. This reminds me of a poem I once wrote. I guess I'll post it on here too.

Oh star that shines
In the dark night sky
So beautiful
So immortal
You keep me longing, wanting
Only to be beside you.
How do you stay so beautiful?
How do you keep everyone
Wondering about you?
We wonder, not only of your beauty,
But of how we could, one day,
Be as beautiful as you.
We want to be loved as much,
Sometimes more, than you.
We try day by day,
And when we think we've done it,
We look to see you've beaten us once more.
We want to be the twinkle in his eye,
But if we look deep enough,
We only see you.
Though we aren't as beautiful,
We can be loved,
Whereas you can only be admired.
You may be deep in his eye,
But when I look deeper,
I see only myself

I figured I would talk about the stars. Why not?

Hand in Hand

Trust and Honesty go hand in hand in a relationship.
If you want to be trusted, you have to be honest. If you trust someone, you would expect for them to be honest with you. It's difficult to trust someone who is never honest. Relationships need trust and therefore need honesty. If you don't have one, you can't have the other.
That's what it is with Eli. I want to trust him, I really do, but how can I trust him if he hides things that I frankly need to know. What am I to do about that? We had a talk about some things last night and I explained to him this obvious connection between the two. He says that I'm not honest about how I'm feeling all the time and that he has to drag things out of me, which he does. My response was simply that I need to keep some things to myself. If I really need to talk to him about it, I'll come to him. I'm also independent and, being so young, don't want to be dependent on someone who, sadly, might not be with me in the future. If I become dependent on him and we were to split, I would have to build myself up again, which many people know is hard to do. To go from sitting on a column to crashed in pieces on the floor.

The Last Day

This past day or so, alot of things have happened. I'm not sure what to say or do. All I know is that I am looking on a very dark side of me that hasn't been released in months. Everything is getting colder. Everything is dying, but does that mean that I should die too? Should I let myself go into a spiritual world unknown? Infinite days lie ahead of me. What am I waiting for then? Does one have purpose in an earthly world where either good or bad can happen? Do I only have one purpose and then I am left here to suffer and die? What all is going to occur before I'm finally sent to the miraculous place that is Heaven. Am I ever destined to be truly happy? And what is happiness?

A story I told Eli not too long ago that is very personal to me is this. As a high school Christian and good-doer, I only wanted to help. I believed that God had sent me to this Earth to help those that needed it. It didn't matter about me or my feelings or my physical being. I was sent here to only help. All of the boyfriends I ever had, except for 3 including Eli, I only went out with to help. I saw a problem with them and I would think about it and all of the things that I could do to fix it. For some it was insecurity, some had a shy side, some had drug problems, some had anger issues, and some were just plain unhappy. I helped pretty much all of them with their problem and then I would break up with them and, surprisingly, most of them were fine. I would call myself 'The Fix-It-Up Girlfriend'. I had this theory that I was never meant to be with anyone, but only here to help people get on the right track for a better life and to find someone that they really cared about. I know some of those boys would be quite offended, but I think that if they thought about it real hard they would understand why I did it and they would actually thank me. I'm going to reveal the other 2 that I wanted for myself.
I dated Justin for 9 months. We began dating at the end of our 8th grade year. He was very shy, but so was I. He was my first boyfriend. Therefore this was before I had declared myself a fixer. I fell in love with him. I didn't want to change him at all. The reason we broke up was because I was stupid. I broke up with him because I thought that he was going to break up with me and I didn't want to be the one left with a broken heart.
The second one that I wanted for myself was Clint. He was in my Holocaust class. I had liked him since the moment I really met him. He was laid back but really cute and nice to me. He had massive, yet delicate, hands. He was kind of big, but that didn't matter because he didn't have a really deep voice. I fell in love with him too quick for myself and ended up getting hurt.
I had never really planned to be with Eli for this long of a time from the get-go. It was March my sophomore year when I first began to realize that Eli was severely unhappy. He was feeling unloved and worthless in a sense. It pained me to see him in pain. I asked him out and he said 'No'. Oddly, I was sad but I kept on going. We began to talk more and hang out after school more and then on May 8, 2006, he asked me out. I said 'Of course' and I began my planned out process to make him a happy person again. I did very well to immediatley start to work his feelings on to the road of happiness once more. I was cute. I was caring. I was always willing to help him. I was there for him. He began to really get happy, and when it came the time that I was done, I couldn't do it. In all of this help, I fell in love with him.

Eli helped me to fix my problems. I never found my problems to be something that needed to be fixed. My insercurites are lessened. My belief in myself has risen. I am able to really count on myself.
I never quite understood what life was about until I met Eli. Now I do. Life is this long event that has its climactic points every now and then. With those points come the deathly hallows. I love Eli more than myself. I would give anything for him to be happy. Sometimes, I think that I'm not enough for him. I think that he could find better. I make him so unhappy sometimes that I wonder why he even bears the thought of me. The same goes for him making me unhappy.

I'm not positive how to end this blog so I'll end it here

OSU and a Birthday Dinner

Today was an alright day. At noon, I watched Ohio State kick the crap out of Michigan University. There was one point when OSU ran 81 yards in one play. It was amazing and only 2 yards away from the end zone. The final score was Ohio 42, Michigan 7! The greatest part was the fact that it began to snow immediatley after the game ended.
After this awesome game, I worked on some things and then Eli came to pick me up for the birthday dinner for his stepdad, Eric, and his twin brother, Deric. When we got there, we had some good food. I ate some salad and collard greens. When everyone was done eating, the twins opened their presents. Eric got a metal detector and Deric got some knee-high rubber boots for hunting. They also got some cards and gift cards and some long underwear. Most of the cards had fart jokes on them which was funny. After the presents were open, we finally ate dessert. Mama Joe made strawberry shortcake. It was DELICIOUS! Then Eli, Kyle, and I talked about good video games and movies.
After most everyone had left, Eli and I headed back to my house to play 'Sequence'. We played three games with my youngest sister Cassidy, in which I won ALL three of the games. Eli left around 10:45 or so.
I had a great day with an awesome football game and a wonderful dinner!

The Expander is OFF

I've had an expander in the top of my mouth for a little over 5 months. It caused me great pain for 12 and a half days after I got it because I would have to turn the little screw in the very top every morning and every night one complete turn. It would stretch out the top of my mouth and hurt like Hell. After those 24 turns, it didn't hurt as much anymore. However, I was limited on foods I was able to eat. I couldn't eat stringy things without them getting stuck on that bar and I could eat things that were too hard because they would break my brackets or hurt my teeth. Well, today I got that demonic tool out of my mouth. I was able to keep it as a souvenir. That made me happy to keep it. I'm going to put it in my scrapbook. Or maybe wear it on a chain or something.
The process of getting that damned thing off of my teeth was fairly painful though. I hated the whole thing. My orthodontist began to pop it off and when it was fully off, the gums around the two teeth that had it anchored in began to bleed profusely. The back of my throat began to fill with blood and it was really nasty. That's one of the few things that can make me sick. Teeth bleeding just makes me want to vomit. I didn't though. I was TOUGH! Then she drilled all of the cement residue off of those teeth. That was alright. Right after that, she began putting new metallic bands around the two teeth. That only made the irritated gums bleed more. After all of that, she cemented those new bands on to those teeth. I hate all of the excess cement that is left around my teeth. That will come off in the next few days and I hate it. It all tastes bad. I actually still taste like blood and it bothers me a little bit.
On top of all of that, I got a new archwire for my bottom braces. It's stainless steel and is really tight and my teeth really ache. That was one of the really painful things. She was pushing on that stupid little wire so much I thought my teeth were going to break in half. She couldn't quite get it inside of my brackets. After a few minutes of pushing, I heard a snap and she said "That one's in!". I was thinking about how crazy in was that all of that time was for one stupid bracket.
Anyways, I'm very happy to have it off and be able to touch the roof of my mouth with my tongue.

Prelude to Expander Off

So tomorrow I get off the infamous expander in the top of my mouth. I've gotten so used to it being in there that I'm kind of sad that it will be gone. I asked them if I could keep it for a keepsake. I'm not sure what they said though. I don't remember. I really hope that they do let me keep it though. I have a mold of what my teeth used to look like so I'm really excited to see them afterwards. I only have to have them on for about a year now. I can't wait to finally have a beatiful smile. I wish that I could have had it for my proms back in 2007 and 2008, but I mean, you can't have everything. I have been told that it doesn't hurt, so I'm not too worried about pain. My smile has always been crooked and weird looking. For my middle school years, I just learned not to smile and if I did, I kept my mouth closed. I just have always had that goofy smile that people always commented or poked fun at me about. Even Eli admitted to me that he was worried that my crooked teeth would bother him when we kissed. I'm glad to say that it doesn't bother him. I'm just really looking forward to tomorrow.

Mellow Mushroom with Cody/TV Shows with Eli's Parents

Today I woke up and then went to school half awake. I don't quite remember even driving to school this morning. I remember that I brushed my teeth with my new Cinnamon Rush Crest Toothpaste. School seemed to almost drag on for hours... as a matter of fact... it did. I was so ready for this afternoon. When school was over, I went and found Cody at his truck and he got in and told me that we weren't going to be able to spend as much time downtown as we had hoped because he had to get home by 4 and he lives an hour away. So anyways, we went to Mellow Mushroom and split a 10" cheese pizza. Their pizzas are so delicious and it was nice to have someone to have a conversation with while eating. We talked about our families and the backgrounds of our families. It was fun to hear about him family because they did some cool stuff... whereas my family was full of teachers and mill workers (which I'm totally proud of).
After we were finished, I took him back to his truck and waved goodbye. Then I called Eli and told him that I was coming over there to spend some time with him. He had to go to the doctor to get his lung checked out again. He's perfectly fine though. Just a cough. I wasn't there long until my Mom called and I had to take my Dad some chiropractic papers. Then, I went home for a while. After a few hours, I went back to Eli's for the Monday night shows. They were all some of the funniest I've seen. His Dad laughed so hard once that he had tears! Then Eli and I listened to Celine Dion's 'Another Year Has Gone By'. I love that song and I only heard it yesterday! Well, that's it for the day!

The Problem: Sex

I think that it's a shame that the world has become what it is today. Humans have broken down into these money craved, power hungry, lying, cheating, theives. Sex no longer means anything. As Magen, a girl in my English class, said today, "Sex has lost all of its morals". I think that she's completely right. Sex used to be that special time with that special someone. Now it's almost like we're in an unknown competition with one another to have as many partners as we can. I'm pleased to say that I am a virgin and I'm proud of it. I'm going to have my special moment with my special someone someday. However, I'm one of a minority to be able to say that. It's horrible to admit that the world has become a cakniving, backstabbing planet with inhabitants that cannot be faithful to even one person. Once someone hits the "age", they think that they should just go ahead and get it over with.
I, non-selfabsorbidly, think that people should have at least the same sexual morals as me. I personally think that the world would be a better place. I'm not perfect, I just think that the world would be a little bit better if everyone DID wait for marriage.
Sex isn't an event for entertainment or fun. It's a serious phenomenon that you and your spouse have to prove trust. When you give up your body and mind to someone, you are pouring all of your heart and soul out on to a platter and they handle it with the utmost care. When you are ready for that, you should have an absolute trust in that person. You should know that no matter what happens, that person is going to be there through thick and thin.
These one-night stands aren't about trust. They're bluntly for pleasure and in my own personal opinion, it's sad that people do that. They show no respect for themselves, the other person, and some others can be involved as well.

FINAL THOUGHT: Wait for marriage to have sex and if you can't wait that long, at least find someone that you think you'd be able to tell your children about when you grow up. I'm sure that you wouldn't want to tell them that you had sex with someone, of whom you can't remember their name, and then you never saw them or heard from them again

Justin's Right

I was reading Justin's FaceBook note and he wrote this poem in it. I was inspired for a blog about it. Therefore, here is the poem and then his blog link underneath. He does some amazing stuff and I'm honoured to be able to use this particular poem for a point.

I can't help but to think
about all that Jesus said.
What he said about men of the world
and how cold their hearts are
Yet he loved them still
even if they didn't return the favor.
He was still their Savior.
I want to be like Him
forgiving of an other's sins.
but i have my own problems
that keep me awake at night
and far away from that shining light.
What if I just took a stand
against all the cruelties of man
How would they outcast me?
If crucified blood would pour from my hand.
Though God is my Father
I don't believe I could walk on water.
So I'll just leave the saving to Him
and live my life for only me.
I hope that this does not make me cruel
I just wouldn't want to be abused.
So it's best for me to avoid the fire.
Because I'm no Jesus, no God, no Savior
(samethoughtsdifferentday.blogspot.com)

In this poem, I think that Justin is completely right about staying out of the fire. However, I think that, eventually, everyone is put in a situation where you must face the fire you've always avoided. Avoiding will not always do it. The world is always going to chew you up and spit you out. It sucks, I know. Some humans just have no feeling or souls. It saddens me to see such young people being sucked into the maladies of the world.
No one will be able to be the same man that Jesus Christ was unless God is to make it so. Many try to be Jesus, but face it, you're never going to be able to match the commitment that He had and you will never make the same sacrifice that He made for the world.
No matter what, we're always going to be abused. That's just the way the world is now. I wish that it wasn't that way, but I can't change it unfortunately.

Too Much Music

I downloaded more Christmas music than anyone ever should today. I got so many different versions of different Christmas songs that instead of just making a folder called Christmas, I had to make a folder called Christmas and do folders for each of the song titles and then name the songs after their singer. It's pretty crazy how much of this holiday music that's out there. I also got some of the remakes of 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' from a bunch of different artists.
I was told about a band called The Script. They're Irish and I learned about them from my friend Padraig from Ireland. The band has 2 good songs I was able to listen to called 'Breakeven' and 'We Cry'. If you have a chance to listen to them, they're good.
I don't know about other people, but I'm ready for Christmas this year. I know that alot of people aren't because of stupid Obama who's going to cause the economy to go belly-up. He is going to cause so many empty Christmas trees this year. The depression isn't going to be fixed just because he's president now. His plans are going to cause the economy to crash.
I, however, am still excited for Christmas. I have already gotten Eli's Christmas present. He's going to love it. I only have one other person's present and that's my brother, Michael.
I went to Eli's tonight for 'Jeopardy' and just hang out with him. I got there, and he was cleaning out the bathroom. Then he took a shower and I watched TV. When he got out, we began watching 'Jeopardy' and I started making some macaroni for us to eat. We ate our macaroni after it was over and we were playing 'Sequence'. We played 3 games of 'Sequence' and I won 2 out of the 3. When I was on my way to my car, his parents and grandparents pulled into the driveway. Since they were already parked, I called and told my Mom I would be home later and so we went back inside. We watched some football and all chatted. Then I finally left an hour later.
Well, now I'm off to bed because I'm really tired.

Not So Much Lunch With Cody

Yesterday was the day I had been anticipating for over a week. When I had the flat tire last week, Cody helped me to pump it back up to enable me to drive to Eli's work and have him fix the hole that was leaking. I called him late that day and told him that I wanted to take him to dinner the next week, my treat. We had planned to go the next Wednesday, which was yesterday now.

On Tuesday evening, my Dad came into the living room and asked me what time I was coming home the next day. I said that I wasn't sure, and he asked if I could be home by 2. I told him no. I didn't tell him that I was going to lunch with Cody. I asked him why and he, like usual, left the room.
Then the next day, I was woken up at 7am and told that I had to be home by 2pm for some cable guy to fix our Internet... which has been working perfectly fine. I called Cody around 7:45 am and told him that I couldn't go to lunch anymore and he said it was fine. So I got out of my English class at a surprising 1:00. I was home by 1:30 and the cable guy came momentarily after I got home. He was gone by 2:00 and I was pissed because I COULD HAVE gone to lunch. However, I had already canceled with Cody.
I was royaly pissed off. Instead, I ended up watching 3 movies. I watched 'Saw', 'The Eye', and 'Airplane!' (all on my blog).

I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. 'The Eye' kept me up all night. I kept hearing and seeing things all night long.
I had school today. I was able to walk out to the parking lot with Cody today. It made me happy because I think that he kinda waited for me to walk up by him and walk with him. makes me happy to walk out to the parking lot with someone instead of by myelf, which I always do. It makes me look forward to Tuesdays and Thursdays.
After school, I came home and didn't really do anything. I talked to my friend in Ireland via Skype. Then I was able to go to Eli's Dad's house around 6:30 after Michael and I went to dinner at Zaxby's. He and I hung around for about an hour discussing politics and hot actors and actresses. We were watching 'ET Inside Edition' of course. Then Eli came and we went to his Mom's to watch 'Jeopardy' and eat some dinner.
I've been eating better lately I think. I've been eating more that is... and not just grilled cheese!

The Last Night

A song that I was listening to today was 'The Last Night' by Skillet. It talks of best friends/a couple, whatever they may be, and how the girl is planning to commit suicide. The boy, however, tells her that she can't and that he'll always be there for her no matter what the case might happen to be. Anyways... here are the lyrics

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
The last night away from me
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on
Tonight, tonight
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

So, this was a great song I think. I love listening to it.

This morning I became depressed in a sense. The subject of Eli cheating on me back in June '06 came up again today. I was talking to my friend Christene about it today and she said that she doesn't get depressed about past things in her relationship anymore... she gets angry. I don't want to become angry. It's just a difficult event for me to grab hold of. I actually think about it alot. More than most people know. I don't only think about how it might've happened, though I do think about that, but I also think about why it happened to me. The one time he would ever do such a thing to his girlfriend and it had to be to me.
Sometimes I wonder if God is just trying to signal me. Maybe he's telling me that Eli isn't the one for me. If he's not... why are my feelings so strong towards him? I want to be with him. He makes me the happiest person in the world. Isn't that what love is supposed to feel like? If not... why do I feel like it is?
I just have some huge inner conflict going on. I don't really want to talk about it because it only concerns myself. I just want to know the answer to so many questions, but I don't know what the questions are.
Why me?

Mountains

This past weekend, including Friday, was great. I had an amazing time with everyone that I spend time with and I wish that I could go back and do it again.
On Friday, I started my day with a bubble bath. It was so relaxing and I was able to have some peace and quiet before my even more relaxing weekend. Afterwards, I went and picked up the mail in Travelers Rest. I knew that my mom would want for me to do that. Then, I came home and watched 'Pulse'(in my reviews). It was pretty creepy with me being a computer geek and all. Then I called up David to see when he wanted to go and see 'High School Musical 3'. We ended up going to the show that started 30 minutes from when I called him. I picked him up from his house and we went to the Hollywood 20 theatre and watched out special Disney movie(in my reviews). After I took him back home, his mother and I talked for a while before I left to go to Eli's house to watch yet another movie. We ended up watching 'The Strangers'(in my reviews). It was pretty scary and I didn't want to walk out to my car by myself.
The next day, I woke up and helped to clean the house so we could leave for Blowing Rock in North Carolina with my family. This year, Eli was allowed to come with us which made it even more special for me. In fact, Saturday was the day we had been together for 2 and a half years. That was even better. He came over close to 1:30pm or so and then we blew off the deck and did a bit more vacuuming and we were on our way. My dad was unable to come this year so we had an extra seat in the back of the van. Eli and I sat back there and listened to the 'Sneak Preview Christmas Weekend' on Magic 98.9. He fell asleep close to when we crossed the NC border. When we finally got there, we immediatley changed into our bathing suits and went to the pool. The pool at Chetola Resort is an indoor heated pool. It was cold and we jumped right in. There was also a hot tub and a sauna there so we were sure to use everything we had access to. After swimming, we went back to the condo and got ready for bed. My mom ordered pizza and we watched a movie. The movie was great, but I fell asleep towards the end of it. Eli and I were allowed to sleep next to each other on the floor with Nelson. Nelson is my cousin Charlie's husband. I slept through most of the night, but woke up once kind of scared from the previous night's movie, 'The Strangers'.
In the morning, we left for Boone to go to the 'Dan'l Boone Inn'. We got there in time for breakfast and there was, surprisingly, no line. We all sat at our table and they began to bring us our endless supply of breakfast foods. I ate all of the grits and biscuits my tiny tummy could hold. By the time we were finished, we had eaten pretty much 7 bowls of everything. After leaving, my mom wanted to drop by her friend, Vicki's hotel. She owns a hotel just barely half a mile from Chetola. We went in and Vicki was there. Mom invited her to come back to the condo and have some hang out time. We finally got back to the room and got our bathing suits back on and went to the pool again. Eli and I only swam for a bit before we showered and got dressed to go on a walk around the grounds. We walked all around the lake taking pictures. We found a magical little place that looked as if it had been pulled out of a fairy tale book. We took alot of pictures there. When we were done with our walk, we were freezing. We went back to the room and packed our things ready to leave again. We piled into the van to begin our long trip back home. We stopped by the magical gazeebo again to take some last pictures of the family. Eli carved Kenzi & Eli surrounded by a heart into one of the beams of the structure for us to find next year when we go again. I can't wait!
The weekend was perfect and Eli and I enjoyed every second of it together.

Proposal in my Dreams

Last night I was having some weird dreams.
It started that my Gamma was still alive. I was at her house and I was in the nightgown that she let me have when I was living there last. I was helping her around the house and all. I don't remember what we said, but I wish that I could.
Then I was at the Expo Center in a money raising competition before my prom.
Then, I was at home on the deck with Standish, Cassidy, and my Dad were out there. I was walking around and there was Clay Aiken playing and I saw Eli. Then we were talking about something and then he got on a knee and said, "How about this for a proposal?". I could hear my sisters screaming in the background. I started to laugh and I said, "Yes" and put the ring on. Then I was waltzing around the deck. Then the ring turned into one of those cheap rings from a quarter machine. I went over to Eli, who was sitting on a stairstep and asked him, "That wasn't a real proposal was it?" and he said, "No". I was, of course devastated.
Then, I was in a parking lot in a beautiful peach coloured dress. I was just standing there under a streetlight beside a dark blue car. Then someone appeared and said that there was a huge black spot on the back on my dress. I ripped off the dress and looked and there it was, a huge black spot on the back of my dress but it was in the shape of a child's face. When I looked around, the person wasn't there anymore and I was standing there bearing everything. Then the view went to a third person kind of view. I could see myself there with my make-up running down my face and I fell to the ground just so sad and disappointed.
I'm not sure what all of this means. I woke up and was fine. Usually after a dream like that, I would feel kind of depressed. I wasn't at all though. I'll tell you what though, I'm hungry.


Today my family and Eli are going to North Carolina for the weekend. I'm really excited because today is the day that Eli and I have been together for 2 and a half years. I have enjoyed being with Eli for such a long time and I hope that it lasts for an even longer time after this day. No matter how many fights we may get in, we always pull through and that makes me believe in us even more. I love him with all of my heart and soul and plan for it to stay like that for the rest of my life.

Flat Tires and Friendship

Today was quite the day I must say. I dressed up a bit for school. I wore a purple retro shirt and some high heeled boots. I felt so gorgeous and beautiful. Eli had come by the house this morning and he and I went to the ARC building around 11:15 together. Then I went to class. I found a great parking spot next to the door I exit from after my Psychology class. I had to go and pick up my little sisters today because my mom had a late class for her Promethean board. Math was a pain, but I got to Psychology and my friend Christene said that I looked pretty and was surprised that I was slightly dressed up.
After that class, I got down the stairs and Cody came up behind me. We started talking and then we saw my car and he asked me if that was my car and I agreed. Then he told me that it had a flat tire. I looked at it, and there is was, flat on the ground. I was so embaressed and sad. He asked me if I wanted him to go and get an air tank and pump it up enough for me to get to a store. I was so happy that he offered to help me in my time of need. We got in his truck and drove over to the building where he took his class for refridgeration repair and got a nitrogen tank. We came back to my car and he pumped up my tire and let me go to the station where Eli worked. I hugged him and thanked him. I didn't know that there were that nice of people anymore.
When I finally arrived at the station, Eli helped me fix my tire. The valve where you pump the air in was falling apart and he replaced it and left me on my merry way. I was so grateful to have these two fine young men in my life when I needed them most.
I picked up the girls at Northwood and we went to Fuddruckers for dinner. We got home afterwards and Standish changed for her choral perfomance at 7. When I left her at Riverside, I went to Bob Jones to go to a concert there for my music class.
The concert was pretty good. It had a variety of different musical performances. There was a band, a choir, an ensemble, a bell band, flute duet, some acting, and finally a strings orchestra. I met a fine young man there named Rob who I talked to while people were coming to be seated. Sadly, no one sat beside me. Almost the entire auditorium was filled except the two seats next to me. I was very sad and somewhat depressed that no one wanted to sit beside me.

Everyone Can Sing

In a conversation with Justin the other day, we were talking about his myspace that he had put songs of his playing his guitar and singing along with the music. He apologized to me because he thought that he 'couldn't sing'. I said to him, 'You can sing'. We threw words across the plate for a minute or so and then I told him why I thought that he could sing.
I think that everybody can sing. There is no one person who can judge whether or not a person posesses the ability to sing. I hate it when people refuse to sing for me. I love to listen to people sing. I may chuckle at a person who has a different style of singing, but I don't think that they can't sing. (To Eli: I may joke about you not being able to sing, however, you can and I love to hear your sweet voice singing our song)
In a person's singing voice there are many factors. There's the dynamics [loudness] of their voice. There's also the tone [uniqueness] of their voice. Each and every voice on the planet is capable of singing some sort of tune. It may not be the most popular kind of music, but they can sing something. Some people have the 'punk' voice whereas some have the 'gospel' voice. There are the more fortunate who are able to sing with many different genres.
When someone asks you if you can sing, you should always say that you can, in fact, sing. If they ask you to sing, sing. If they laugh, you should laugh at them because they think that they can judge your vocals. Everyone has a voice. Everyone has vocals. Everyone has their own style. Everyone can sing.

Obama

Obama is the new President of the United States.
I'm going to say now, that I am not racist towards Obama in any way.
Obama, to me, can only be compared to two other people. Hitler and the AntiChrist. He almost matched the AntiChrist description perfectly. Man who comes out of nowhere of Middle Eastern descent. Man who knows what to say to make people like him. Man who gets power when he deserves none. Man who eventually takes over the world and then the Heavens open up to reveal an army of Angels and we are forced to fight under his command.
I'm disappointed that America would choose to elect such a man with awful characteristics as this.
As for Hitler... Adolf Hitler came in from being homeless to being the Dictator of Germany. This happened only in the lapse of a few years. Where the Hell did Obama come from?
Well, I am glad to say that the 'sheep' revealed his wolfy self to me early on. Maybe I'll be spared when Heaven goes to war with this Earth.

I must say that there is a possibility that I may be wrong and for you not to get pissed off at me. I'm only sharing my opinion on the situation. I would respect yours and you should respect mine.

I also noticed... all of my friends who have always been against the government were suddenly turned Democrats. Those who supported anarchy in my field of friends were now rooting for Obama. Does this say anything to you?

Picnic Downtown with Cassidy

Today, my youngest sister, Cassidy, and I spent the day together.

We woke up and she went with my to vote at the polls. We stood in line for about 45 minutes before I could vote. It was great to know that I was a part of such an important event for the country.

After I voted, we went straight to the dentist's office for our appointments. We both got in and out without cavities which was great.

We then went home and got my picnic basket. We filled it with some food from McDonald's for her and Subway for me. Also a big bag of chips and some drinks. Then we went downtown and parked in the Mellow Mushroom parking lot and walked through the Cancer Survivor Garden to get to the Reedy River. When we got down there, we found a rock and set up our blanket and stuff. We got out our food and then ate. While we were eating, a huge blue heron came and landed in the water next to us. We began to take pictures. Then we finished our meals and walked around taking pictures and hanging around in the beautiful weather.

We walked up to the Liberty Bridge after taking the basket back to the car and our trash to the trash. We also saw a small snake go under a rock. We took a bunch of pictures and then headed back home around 2:45.

With the time change, everything is being thrown off. It's beginning to get dark at 5 and it's almost as if it's the middle of the night by 7.

Now we're home and we went through the pictures so here are a few for you to peek at.

Lunch with Justin Before Election Day

So today I had a great day. I woke up and went to school. I took a test on Excel. That was boring of course, but then I got to go to my Music class. I love going to that class. We get to talk about and listen to music all of the time. I loved listening to Mozart and Beethoven and learning about other musicians. Then I went to English where we had to debate about the other side of something. Since I chose about a being for McCain... I had to talk about the pros about voting for Obama. Then I went to get some advice from my counselor. She was pretty cool.
I went to lunch with Justin after school. That was great! We went to Monterrey's by the Mall. I love spending time with him because we always have something to talk about and we almost always share the same views. It's always cool to have someone to chat to about things you both enjoy. Then we went and walked around the mall. We did a full circle of the top and bottom. We stopped in a few stores. Looked at the art store and we also went into a few of the sports store. Then I took him back to school and that was awesome. We listened to music for a while before he went to class.
Tomorrow is the big day. McCain vs. Obama! This is going to be one of the closest elections in our nation's history in my opinion. I'm excited to go and vote!

A New Found Love

The word love describes many things. You can love to do something or love something or love someone. You can love a look, feelings, colour, song. But I find that love is something much more. It a priviledge to love. So much hatred in the world, yet we all find love somewhere. I've thought I was in love before. With 2 different people in my past.
I've had loves and lost them.
I have been dating Eli for almost 2 and a half years. It will be so on Saturday. I have thought that I've loved him this entire time. It's weird how things can come out of the blue. Love can pop out at you out of nowhere.
Eli and I have been together for so long. I was talking to him the other day and I asked him if he thought that maybe we both said the phrase 'I Love You' too much. We both agreed that we did... however that didn't cease the usage of the phrase. I felt as if... maybe I didn't love him but felt like I did because I said it so much. In a way, it was kind of true.
After a few recent events in my life, I've realized a love. It's a new love and I'm so happy to have him. This new adoration has consumed my entire life and everything that revolves around it. A twinkling that I hope will never leave my soul. This new love is none other than Eli. But I love Eli in a way that I didn't feel before. I'm not sure why, but everything suddenly started to feel different today. I am only happy when I'm around him or thinking of him. I love to hold him in my arms. I know that when you are with your boyfriend, the usual thing to do is lay on his chest and he'll stroke your hair and whisper in your ear. In our case, he lays on my chest and I stroke his hair, and I'm happier with that. I love to be able to hold his head close to mine. When we hug, we fit together. When we're lying together and it's quiet, I love to hear him breathe. Watching his ever so beautiful eyes staring into mine. Wishing the connection would never end. Wishing to be with him during the night, not for anything other than to just know that he is right there beside me. Listening to his voice over the phone, I will close my eyes and just imagine and pretend that he's here holding me.
I love love. It's such a magical feelings where anything and everything can happen.
I love you Eli.

Angel in the Night

I found a song that I liked today. I just really wanted to talk about it. It made me very happy and it made me love Eli even more than I already did. It's a guy singing the song, so it's about a girl, but still... bear with me
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
Your hair is dancing in the wind
Your eyes are burning off my skin
And I'm so happy when I see
That you are smiling back at me
You're leaving burn marks on the ground
Thank you God for what I've found
I don't know how, I don't know why
But you're my Angel in the night
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
Let me hold you now
Just like this before you start to cry
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
I tried my best to satisfy
But all you do is waving me goodbye
I don't know what I'm gonna do
But I'm so crazy about you
Even if I don't know where to start
Even if my love is tearing me apart
I just know that you and me
We are always meant to be.

I just loved this song. I'm going to be listening to it for a while. It just makes me so happy and all. The music that goes along with it makes me happy too. I just love it. It's got guitar in the beginning and then goes into mostly techno. I love techno. The guy has an accent too so that makes it sound better.
I'm off to Eli's now.
KNZ

Dreams

So lately I've been having some pretty wacked out dreams and nightmares. People that I know have been in them and then people who I have no clue who they are are in them. It's really insane. I hate having such vivid dreams because they make my back hurt the whole next day.
Another thing is that they make me toss and turn and roll over and roll back. I wake up in all sorts of weird positions that even I didn't know I could get into.
I don't know why I've been having such weird dreams, but I just wish they would stop. I'd like to have ONE good night of sleep before Christmas.
I had one thought, while at lunch the other day with my friend Cody, that maybe it's from all the scary, disgusting, gory movies I've been watching. I don't think so because I've watched worse movies and been completley fine. So, basically, I have no idea whats causing this. I haven't done anything to feel guilty about. I haven't killed someone. I haven't insulted someone beyond repair. I haven't eaten anything bad. I'm not sick. I have NO IDEA!
What does one do to stop such horrid, recurring events every night.

Another Day in the Life of Kenzi

So, I'm sitting here listening to Basshunter techno. I'm ready for this coming week. Everything is going to be amazing. On Monday, I have school. Sorry y'all... I love school. It gives me something to do during the day.
On Tuesday, we will be having Election Day. It's the first time I will be voting. I'm stoked for the opportunity to be a part of the election process. Now I will simply state that I am voting for McCain. I won't say why, though those of you who really know me know why. I will leave it at that.
The rest of the week is mostly for me. I haven't really been doing much. I am going to watch Saw I later this week.
On Saturday, my family and I are going to Boone, North Carolina for the weekend. I'm excited because we go every year and this year, Eli is allowed to come. I love spending time with him. This past week, I barley saw him at all. He's been working on his truck and all, just trying to get it fixed. I really hope that it gets done soon though. This weekend will be a good one for him to relax. He really needs it in my opinion.
I'm actually counting down the minutes right now until I get to see him tonight. He gets off work at 5 today and I just want him to get off so that we can get together and watch a movie.
Nothing has really happened today.
I finally got to sleep a bit after 1am and then I didn't wake up until 10:30am. Then I helped my mom and little sisters clean up the house some. After we cleaned, I took Cassidy to Blockbuster to get a GameBoy DS game. And that led up to sitting here typing on my blog.

Happy Halloween

So Halloween has finally made itself known all across the United States once more. Children are going around, house to house, getting as much candy as they possibly can. I, for the last time, was one of those children. I, however, am unable to eat the candy and gave it all to Eli.

Cassidy, Standish, and I were walking around in SilverLeaf this year. There were all sorts of different houses. There was one with a man sitting on the porch in a 'Headless Horseman' costume and holding a pumpkin in his hand. He scared Standish quite a bit. One house was completely 'haunted' and had a man dressed up as a wolf lurking in the bushes. There were fog machines, cobwebs, eerie music, skeletons, strobe lights, ghosts, witches, and everything else you could possibly think of.

Earlier in my day, I was awaken by a frightening nightmare with al sorts of scary, gory, things. I immediatley went and checked all of my emails and online profiles. Then, I made Cassidy and my lunch. Before going to her elementary school for lunch, I dropped by the infamous Eastside, my old high school, for Wade Hampton Week. Today was Senior Servant day and all of the seniors were dressed up as hilarious characters. I saw one of my friends, Bennett, and was so glad to see him. He was actually the reason I wanted to go. He just makes me feel happy with all of his ideas and everything that he talks about. Perfect smile, perfect personality, almost creepy. But he's a great friend of mine.

I went to Cassidy's school for lunch. We had a great time talking about what we were going to be for Halloween and where we might go. It's great to see all of these other parents come in with McDonald's Happy Meals for their children. While we were sitting there today, another woman was there to eat lunch with her daughter. I was disgusted by the woman's behavior towards the precious girl. The mother was texting or snapping at the child the entire time. The girl kept trying to tell her mom about her day or tell her a little story or something and the mom would tell her to stop bothering her and stuff like that. I think that if you make the time to come and be with your child at lunch then you should actually SPEND the time with them.

After lunch, I went to Travelers Rest to get the PO Box mail. I wasn't feeling very good during the drive up there or back. I was afraid I was going to be sick, so I hurried up the most that I could without getting pulled over.

When I got home, I talked to Cody, through myspace messages which was fun. I also did my computer assignment which was due by midnight. I submitted it and everything which made me happy. Around 3:45 I went and picked up the girls and we got started on carving their pumpkins. Standish did a little Tamigotchi looking face, I had done the Joker from 'The Dark Knight' a few days earlier, and Cassidy did a vampire with a little pumpkin in its mouth. I had seen the idea on a pumpkin carving contest show. They're all adorable!

For our costumes, I was, of course, Super Kenzi. Cassidy was a witch. Standish was a wizard. Mom was... mom.

Michael didn't go with us this year. Instead he went to the Eastside vs. Wade Hampton football game. EHS didn't win the football game, but they won the charity contest by over $100,000! That's the best we've done in 11 years.

Lunch with Cody

Today was a good day. I woke up at 9:30, which is really late for me, and then watched the rest of 'The Brave One'(in my reviews). It was a great movie. Then I didn't really do anything except go on my computer, make Eli a sign, and get dressed. I left close to 11:30 and stopped by Eli's Dad's house and hung the sign up in his room. I really hope that he likes it.

I got to school and went to Math class. That was boring like always. I left a few minutes early to watch a Psychology video. When I was done watching the video, I went to my class. I love that class. It's so interesting and I enjoy Christene, the person I sit next to.

Today was an extra special day because one of my Psychology classmates, Cody, and I went to a late lunch(or old person's dinner as we concluded it) at Fuddruckers. We left the Greenville Tech campus and stopped by Blockbuster's first. We wandered the aisles and he was helping me choose what movie to get for tomorrow night. We went all around the store and then decided on 'Raising Arizona'. The counter man said, however, that they DVD wasn't in that case. Therefore, Cody and I went looking again. We got 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off'.

We left and went to Fuddruckers. That was alot of fun. He paid for my food, which sort of bothered me. When I told him that I was very independent and he said, "Well I am too.". I thought that was nice though. We sat and talked and ate our food. It was great to have someone to eat with for once. I usually eat by myself. We ended up spending around an hour and a half just eating and talking. Stories from both sides respectively.

Now I'm home and just ready for tomorrow. I'm going back to Eastside tomorrow for Senior Servant Day. I'm also going to Brushy Creek to eat lunch with Cassidy again. I also have to go and get the mail up in TR tomorrow. I'm really excited to have such a busy day tomorrow.

Hunger

So lately, I'm just not hungry. I don't know if something is wrong with me or what. I was lying in bed and then my stomach started gurgling and I had to get out of bed and eat something. So I made myself some rice, and now I'm here, barely have eaten any rice because I can't eat it. I'm not hungry. So I'm deciding to blog in here. Maybe I'll be hungry in the morning. I surely hope so... otherwise, I'll have to forcefeed myself.

On another hand, life itself is heading in a different direction. In my psychology class today, we were talking about anxiety disorders. Now I panic alot. I just never thought that it could be a disorder. Eli has been saying that I have anxiety problems for a long time... I just kind of... didn't listen to him. Now I'm panicking even more. There is no way that this can be good. Not to mention that I am by myself every morning. I hate being alone. Loneliness is one thing that can lead to a slow and painful death. Just the thought of being alone scares me.

I started carving my pumpkin today. I'm carving the Joker from 'The Dark Knight'. It's going to be great! It already looks great too!

KNZ

Standing Up For What You Believe In Pays Off

Wrote this a long time ago when my friends Hunter and Justin were planning on making a book:


Never let people bother you. Never let them hurt you emotionally. Don't let them make fun of you because of your physical traits, religion, likes, or you dislikes. If you let them keep botherinng you it will only get worse.When I began highschool, there were a few people who would pick on me for things I believed in and things I had interests in. I had people making fun of me for religious beliefs and my extreme like of Clay Aiken. Yes, I do have people who still do, but it's not as bad. I had girls picking on my size. Which was unusual for me because I'm very thin. I had girls calling me anorexic and that would really get on my nerves. But I kept going onHannah was one of the many girls who would make fun of me because I was so thin. They would spread rumours about me being anorexic (all of which were untrue) and such like that. Hannah was in my gym class, which made matters much worse. Changing out in gym became the worst part of my day. I would change my shirt and giggles and whispers would start up. Hannah was also in my English class after gym. She didn't only make fun of my size but would also make fun my friend Allen's girlfriend. They called her a lesbian and I would hate it because she was like a sister to me. Hannah would also ask me for things like paper, pencils, and pens. Being the nice person that I am, I would let her borrow them. But on day she went to far. In gym, she was making fun of me because of my size, once more. She said, O look it's the little anorexic girl. I just screamed back that I wasn't anorexic and the she was just jealous because she was short and fat. The whole locker room went quiet. Then, we were doing basketball drills and she said that she didn't want to. Allen told her that she should sit out if she didn't want to do drills. She just started cussing at him and said stuff like 'Why don't you go to your lesbian girlfriend?' and 'She's so ugly she makes gorillas look beautiful'. I just yelled at her 'Why don't you just shut up shorty.' and the Coach came over and said 'What is the problem here?' Well Hannah puts on her innocent face and says 'These two were cussing and making fun of me.' pointing at Allen and me. I just looked at him and said 'She was making fun of my two best friends and calling his girlfriend a lesbian. And she was cussing not us!' He just looked at her and she said she did NOT cuss and scoffed and walked away. To top off my day, she asked me for paper English. I looked at her in amazement and said 'You are mean to me, you insult my friends, and you expect me to be nice to you?'. She just cussed at me and I said in a mocking voice 'I thought YOU didn't cuss!'. She just growled and never talked to me again.My Clay Aiken fanaticism has been made fun of forever. I can't help liking him. He's got a wonderful voice and good priorites. He's just an all around good Christian person. I have been to 5 concerts and they were all wonderful. I have 15 shirts. Every time I wear them, some sort of comment comes along. They would try to convince me he was a homosexual, but I knew and believed that he wasn't. I stood up for him and people would keep going on and on. They would call him flamer and pervert and it bothered the Hell out of me. One time I just said 'Would God like seeing you make fun of a Christian girl who idolizes a great Christian man?' and they just frowned and the kidding from then on ceased. I do still get a few but, I know that I shouldn't let other opinions change what i think is right.I had this one boy, Brad, who would pick on my because I was Catholic. Every day, he would call the 'Catholosism Freak' and 'The Catholic Girl' and such like that. I hated it. After a while I just got fed up with it and I told him not to make fun of me because of MY love for Jesus and MY belief in Him. He apologized and is now one of my best friends.So even just a tiny thing can change your view on things. The smallest kid can change you. DON'T let that happen if you really believe in that. If you think that what you believe in or who you idolize is good in God's eyes, you go right on ahead and believe.

Something I Wrote A While Back

This is the story of my Gamma Parker and me. She died on January 17, 2008 and she and I were closer than I think anyone could ever be. Enjoy this:


As I sit in my Computer Science class, done with my work, listening to 'El Tango de Roxanne', I think of a few things that have been on my mind lately. I'm just now realizing that I graduate in 3 months.What many people don't know about me is that my freshman year, my Gamma came down with pneumonia. I was spending the night at her house that night. It was so fortunate that I was there. She started to have difficulty breathing. I was put to the test that many people never have to face. I had to decide what to do to save a life. As her throat became more and more constricted, I began to panic. I called my Uncle who lived next door and he said to call an ambulance. By the time he got over to the house, the ambulance was there. They had her out on a stretcher within minutes. I didn't get out of the hospital until late. This entire tme, I could not cry. I never cried a tear.A month later, she was released. It was May by then. I was beginning my frist real final exam studies. My 14 year old self was called upon to live with my 85 year old Gamma. I went that night and prepared my room. I explained that my door, which was right across the hall, would be open all night and to call me if she needed me. She was very weak and feeble coming out of the hospital and needed help getting up and sitting down. That first night she called me several times to help her to the restroom. The first 2 weeks, I got up and 6 in the morning to make her whatever she wanted for breakfast, put it on a tray and fed her myself. If she wanted scrambled eggs, I made sure that the pieces were small enough to swallow down. After those first weeks, I helped her excercise each day. The first day she was able to walk, she walked the 20 steps to her kitchen chair. She was able to have a nice, full conversation. She looked out the open front door and said how much she wished to go outside. I helped her up and walked her outside. All of her flowers were in bloom. The aroma and colours were outstanding. As we stood there, watching the birds flying and enjoying the warm weather, she began to cry. This woman, who I had known for my entire life and had never seen her cry, began to sob in front of me. I looked at her in wonder and she confessed how, as time was passing in the hospital, she became afraid that she would never see or smell her flowers again. I smiled softly and put my arm around her as she continued to cry. This entire tme, I could not cry. I never cried a tear.When I finally left, it was June. School was over. I had fully nursed her back to health. Me, a simple teenager, had given up the end of my first year in high school to take care of my quickly aging Gamma.Well, she did alright up to my Senior year. In December, I was called upon, yet again, to take care of my, now 88 year old, Gamma. She was put on a heart monitor and I learned how to change the batteries and clean her skin before changing the electrodes(stickers with wires to track heart beat). I did this for a few weeks. I went straight back to my 9th grade routine. Waking up at 6 in the morning to make her breakfast. This time, however, she could not eat solid foods. She had earlier in the year had a problem swallowing. She was restricted to soups, gravies, and baby food. The nutritional value of her daily meals was at a dangerous low. I would help her to eat more nutritious meals by blending bananas, peanut butter, and milk. She always enjoyed that. She would call me in the night and I would help her to the restroom. This time, she would sometimes get me up in the early hours to have me cook her a meal or just to have a conversation. Some evenings, Eli would come over and chat with us. One night, we watched 'The Five People You Meet In Heaven'. My Gamma stayed in the kitchen. Before we started our movie, Eli had brought a small RC Transformer truck, and we drove it out in fron of her and she thought it was a mouse. She ended up loving it and drove it around herself until the battery ran dead. Then she continued to watch her muted, yet captioned, television show. This made me wonder how lonely she must be. Hardly being able to hear anything. How vunerable she feels to the world when I'm not there. She was in an eternal silence where lonliness was nothing but another day. On the weekends we would sit at the kitchen table and discuss my career that I had chosen. I told her that I wanted to be an animtion filmographer and special effects technician. She was so excited to hear about my projects and everything that I wanted to do with my career and talents. We talked about prom. I had gone with Eli the previous year, and beforehand, we stopped by her house to show her our outfits. She was so excited to see us. We, finally, talked about my graduation. I would tell her that I would get her right in front. The sparkle in her eyes when I told her this was priceless. This had been, since my freshman year, my only wish in life. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter, New Year's... that would be my only wish... my only prayer. Not only my Gamma, but my best friend, at my high school graduation. This woman who knew more about me than I did. She who had been through everything since 1919. Well, after this moment, her health continued to only get worse. She got to a point where we had to, yet again, hospitalize her. I went in there the Tuesday of her hospitalization to change her heart monitor batteries and electrodes. She and I talked for a bout an hour. I didn't see her again until that following Sunday. My family had seen her each day and told me about how she asked about me each of those days. When I got to her room, my sister had been playing around and had closed the curtains. I was so excited in those few seconds to pull back the curtains and see her face stretch into a smile. As I pulled back those curtains, I only saw her laying there unconcious. I came upand hugged her, but she laid still, not even sensing my presence. I sat beside her in a chair and held her hand. Her hand laid there, unknowing of mine inside. I sat there for an hour just waiting... hoping for her to perk up and notice my being. That moment never came. Before I left, I lightly shook her and held her some water to drink. She drank several sips and looked at me with glazed over eyes and said 'I love you'. She laid there in her bed and I left. Those were the last three words she ever spoke.The next day I sat through school counting the seconds as they passed so I could go home. During lunch, my friend Jonny found me and said my mom was on her way to get me. My head fell to the table and he rushed around the table to help me to the office where we sat and talked. I told him of how my Gamma was in the hospital. When my mom picked my brother and me up, she told us that our Gamma had passed away. She drove us home. This entire time, I could not cry. The next day people asked me about my absense and I simply replied that something came up. I hid my pain with happiness. It's something that many people can't do and I'm proud to say that I am not one of those people. People who did find out, found out the next week. That Friday was visitation. Her room was full of beautiful floral arrangements and plants. The turnout was full of many loving people who had come in the thirty degree weather to see us and express their sympathy. Her sister, my Aunt Ruby came in tears. She had left before Christmas Break to Washington to visit her daughter. When she got back, she was immdiatley admitted to a hospital for blood clots in her legs. She never got to see my Gamma before she died. She and my Gamma had a unique, unbreakable bond. Ruby would call every day at 7pm and come on Sunday for lunch. She was hit hardest of everyone. She is the last child of her parents. All of my family was visiting. Friends and family came as far as Ohio and Indiana. I was so proud to be her granddaughter as I heard all the stories of these people. Her open casket had a pink rose with the words "Mother" and "Grandmother" embroidered into the top. She was wearing the dress she wore for my older sister, Julie's, wedding. The only thing was that she wasn't smiling. It just wasn't the same without her smile. My dad had each of my siblings stand by her coffin and tell his video camera what we would miss the most about our Gamme. I said that I would miss running to her door, the smill of her house as she was cooking, her stories of the mill and her family living at her house. This entire time, I could not cry.That next day was the funeral. It began with a dismal mix of rain and snow. The service was at the funeral home. Eli and my best friend, Keith, were two of the palbearers. They met me at my house and drove separately because I rode with my immediate family. The previous night I had written a short personal eulogy in her honour. I talked to the minister, who was my Uncle Bob, and he told me the time that would be appropriate for my speech. Beforehand we had some people visit with us. My best girl friend, Kasandra, and her family came. My other friends, Hunter and David, came as well. They were all so loving and caring to come in my time of need even though the weather was so horrid. When my time to speak came, I stood up and walked to the podium. I laid down my index cards and began to speak. Although my speech was short, I'm glad that I gave t. I would've felt incomplete had I not. After I sat back down, Bob continued the rest of the eulogy. I sat in the 2nd row back beside my older sister, Julie. My two little sisters sat in front of us. As I looked down the rows of people, tears were falling as if rain had drenched their faces. The tissues were being passed down the pews. I sat there and smiled. This entire time, I could not cry. After the eulogy ended, the palbearers carried my Gamma's casket to the hearse. The rain and snow mix was still falling down. The hearse led the cars to the cemetary. We walked towards the grave under umbrellas behind the palbearers. Bob finished his ministry at the grave. Each of my siblings, parents, cousins, and other family picked out a flower from the selection on top of her coffin as we walked by paying our last respects. When we got back in the car to return to my house, my now calm family complimented my speech and my courage to tell so many people what a pleasure my Gamma was. The ride back to my house was dismal. The rain was a bit thicker, but the snow was still there. The temperature continued to drop intensely. We got inside and carried the plants from the visitation room inside. We brought chairs into the living room but my Aunt Ruby sat in the recliner. I sat between Keith and Eli. They watched me watching those people talking as the day just continued on. I was amazed at how fast this event just slipped out of their minds. In a way, I was offended. To me, the mose wonderful woman I had ever had the priveledge to know, not to mention be related to, was gone. She was gone from my life and she was now gone from their minds. Dinner was made and then Hunter called asking to come over. Hunter and David then made their ways over here and we watched TV and ate dinner downstairs. I thanked all my friends that were able to come extensively. That meant so much that they made their way in such awful weather to go to a funeral for a woman only a few had ever met. They were there for me in my time of pain. Those are the best kind of friends right there. Only a few people knew, so I'm not saying that my other friends aren't good friends.So if people have been asking me 'Are you OK?' lately, if I answered with 'Yes, I'm fine', I lied to you. Eli told me, you don't always have to be the happiest person in the world, and it's OK to share your feelings with other people. So lately, I've been depressed. I've felt like my life has no other purpose. Living with my Gamma, I had a purpose. I was depended on. I was needed. Without that sense of purpose, I feel this way. This story explains why I was so unhappy with her death until my friend, Kaleb, told me something after I found out that his Gampa died. I asked him how he felt about it and he just simply replied 'He's happier now than he was here'. I had completely forgotten about her place in Heaven. How much happier she is now that she resides in paradise. She's happer than she was here.

Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith

This past weekend, my best girl friend, Kasandra, and I went to a concert featuring Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith. My mom had gotten 4 tickets and so we two besties went with my mom and her friend Alicia. We got to out seats as the music began to play and everything was amazing! All of the fans in the auditorium were praising God together. From the raising of hands to the singing along, everything was all about God and what he's done for us.

In May, Chapman's daughter Maria was run over in the driveway by her older brother. It was awful that such a tragedy would happen to a very Christian family. They got through it though and everything has resolved itself. They still miss their beloved daughter, but they have come to terms and they know that she's in a better place. Chapman was able to sing his song 'Cinderella' which seemed to be about little Maria, but was actually about Emily. It was hard for him, but he had the strength to get through it.

The lightshow was amazing and all the colours matched along with the songs. All of the songs were songs that I knew. Kasandra knew all of Michael W. Smith's songs. He started out with our song about friendship. It was a great way to start off the Smith portion of the concert.

Everything was great and Kasandra, Alicia, my mom, and I loved it. If you get a chance to go and see the Union tour, it's definetley worth it!

Wisdom Teeth

This past Thursday, Eli, my boyfriend, got his 4 wisdom teeth out. I took him in early that morning and they had the whole thing done by noon. He was in such a pitiful state afterwards and I was so sorry for him. He was just like a big baby.
When his mother and I were waiting with him, passed out of course, afterwards, the nurse came in and put the infamous ice-pack that goes from under the chin to the top of the head. He looked adorable, but in pain.
After I went to my classes, I went straight to his house to help take care of him. I walked in and he was, predictably, asleep. I kissed him forehead and he stayed asleep. I shook him slightly and he stayed asleep. So I began to talk to him. He didn't respond until I spoke a bit louder. He opened his eyes. He couldn't smile, but I could see the happiness in his eyes when they saw that I was sitting on the edge of his bed. I gave him a small hug and laid beside him stroking his hair. This went on for a while. Every 30 minutes, I would take the icepack to the freezer and then 30 minutes later I would put it back on his face.
We didn't watch any television. We didn't talk. We didn't play any games. We didn't even really motion at each other. Every now and then I would tell him that I loved him and he would make a humming noise that sounded like I love you too. It's funny because we're able to understand each others muffled voices. We can tell what the other is saying with usual ease.
The next day, he was way much better. I opened his door and he was watching TV and he threw open his arms for me to hug him. I lightly kissed him and he didn't pucker or anything because he knew that it would hurt. We watched TV for a while and I brought him the ice-pack a few times. I didn't stay too long, but I came back that night so that he and I could watch 'Harry Potter and the Socerer's Stone'.
Sunday, he called and said that he wanted to go outside. He hadn't been outside in three days and he was ready for his breath of fresh air. When I finally got there, he wanted to go to 'Fall for Greenville', our city's fall celebration. We drove downtown, parked, and began to walk up the street. A few minutes up the street, he pulled me into an alleyway that led to a café area. We sat at one of the tables and he threw up. After a minute or so of the vomitting, he stopped. There had been a man behind us yelling, "Get it all out man!", apparently thinking that he was drunk. We sat there for a few minutes before deciding to get back up and walk up the street to get something for him to eat.
It was fairly difficult trying to find something that he could eat. He finally came upon an Italian restaurant that was pretty cheap. We ate what we ordered and then left on our merry way back up the street. We eventually got to 'Opie Taylors'. That store is specifically made to sell toys. We, being ourselves, headed straight for the stuffed animals. We found a cute little sheep that squeaked. He bought it for me.
Leaning on his shoulder we walked to the next store, 'Mast General'. I love that store. They sell figurines that I collect called 'Willow Trees'. We examined their stock and then saw some 'Wall-E' merchandise. He and I love Wall-E things and have already gotten some of the merchandise for our future children. He got 2 of the little books for children to begin reading.
When we left 'Mast General', we walked across the street to 'The Marble Slab' for some of our favourite cheesecake flavoured ice cream. Then we went back down the street to the Liberty Bridge, where we sat beneath and gazed at the moon and played with our new little squeaky sheep.
We got back to his house and watched our movie, 'P.S. I Love You'(in my reviews kenzismoviereviews.blogspot.com). When, that was over, I drove home.
Our few days together were perfect. He goes in for his check-up tomorrow and he's excited to see if his stiches are done and he can begin to eat 'real' foods again!
KNZ

Michael Bublé and downtown

It all began on Friday. Pretty much all day Friday, I was at Keith's house. We watched 'Dead Poet's Society'(which you can see my review at kenzismoviereviews.blogspot.com) and then played Guitar Hero. Afterwards, we made grilled cheese sandwiches and ate that for dinner. When I left there, I took my little sisters, Standish and Cassidy, to Fuddruckers for more dinner. Cassidy and I ended up going to Eli's Mom's house to watch 'In Good Company'(also in reviews). That was alot of fun.

But the real fun began on Saturday! I did a few chores around the house. Then I was able to go to Keith's house and he made us dinner. He made a great macaroni dish and we had some bread with it. It was stunning. Then we had some cheesecake dessert and he had made a raspberry drizzle for it. He also made Creme Brulée. Everything was delicious. After we ate, we left for the Bi-Lo Center. We got there a good half hour early. The openning act was 'Naturally 7' and they were great. They are a group that imitates instruments instead of playing them. Everything is a capella. Michael came out singing me and Keith's favourite song, 'I'm Your Man'. He sang it wonderfully and the band was outstanding. The songs were all sung beautifully and his conversation to the crowd was unforgettable. He has a crude sense of humour and that kept the audience in love. After the concert was over, we went back home and talked about the concert and danced to a select few of our favourites.

On Sunday, Eli and I went downtown for a picture taking frenzy. We walked across the bridge and took pictures by the falls. We walked up Main and got some ice-cream at the Marble Slab. It was great to take all of those pictures with him. Everything was absolutely great. When we went down by the Peace Center Amphitheatre, I got some amazing pictures of him(which are attached).