The Last Day

This past day or so, alot of things have happened. I'm not sure what to say or do. All I know is that I am looking on a very dark side of me that hasn't been released in months. Everything is getting colder. Everything is dying, but does that mean that I should die too? Should I let myself go into a spiritual world unknown? Infinite days lie ahead of me. What am I waiting for then? Does one have purpose in an earthly world where either good or bad can happen? Do I only have one purpose and then I am left here to suffer and die? What all is going to occur before I'm finally sent to the miraculous place that is Heaven. Am I ever destined to be truly happy? And what is happiness?

A story I told Eli not too long ago that is very personal to me is this. As a high school Christian and good-doer, I only wanted to help. I believed that God had sent me to this Earth to help those that needed it. It didn't matter about me or my feelings or my physical being. I was sent here to only help. All of the boyfriends I ever had, except for 3 including Eli, I only went out with to help. I saw a problem with them and I would think about it and all of the things that I could do to fix it. For some it was insecurity, some had a shy side, some had drug problems, some had anger issues, and some were just plain unhappy. I helped pretty much all of them with their problem and then I would break up with them and, surprisingly, most of them were fine. I would call myself 'The Fix-It-Up Girlfriend'. I had this theory that I was never meant to be with anyone, but only here to help people get on the right track for a better life and to find someone that they really cared about. I know some of those boys would be quite offended, but I think that if they thought about it real hard they would understand why I did it and they would actually thank me. I'm going to reveal the other 2 that I wanted for myself.
I dated Justin for 9 months. We began dating at the end of our 8th grade year. He was very shy, but so was I. He was my first boyfriend. Therefore this was before I had declared myself a fixer. I fell in love with him. I didn't want to change him at all. The reason we broke up was because I was stupid. I broke up with him because I thought that he was going to break up with me and I didn't want to be the one left with a broken heart.
The second one that I wanted for myself was Clint. He was in my Holocaust class. I had liked him since the moment I really met him. He was laid back but really cute and nice to me. He had massive, yet delicate, hands. He was kind of big, but that didn't matter because he didn't have a really deep voice. I fell in love with him too quick for myself and ended up getting hurt.
I had never really planned to be with Eli for this long of a time from the get-go. It was March my sophomore year when I first began to realize that Eli was severely unhappy. He was feeling unloved and worthless in a sense. It pained me to see him in pain. I asked him out and he said 'No'. Oddly, I was sad but I kept on going. We began to talk more and hang out after school more and then on May 8, 2006, he asked me out. I said 'Of course' and I began my planned out process to make him a happy person again. I did very well to immediatley start to work his feelings on to the road of happiness once more. I was cute. I was caring. I was always willing to help him. I was there for him. He began to really get happy, and when it came the time that I was done, I couldn't do it. In all of this help, I fell in love with him.

Eli helped me to fix my problems. I never found my problems to be something that needed to be fixed. My insercurites are lessened. My belief in myself has risen. I am able to really count on myself.
I never quite understood what life was about until I met Eli. Now I do. Life is this long event that has its climactic points every now and then. With those points come the deathly hallows. I love Eli more than myself. I would give anything for him to be happy. Sometimes, I think that I'm not enough for him. I think that he could find better. I make him so unhappy sometimes that I wonder why he even bears the thought of me. The same goes for him making me unhappy.

I'm not positive how to end this blog so I'll end it here