LET GO OF THE REIGNS

OK... so I've completely lost control of everything.

Life just seems to be a blur at the moment. Everything is speeding by faster than I can keep up. Blow after blow upon my brow in an eternal loop of knocking me to the ground. I don't know whether or not to get up anymore.

In my last post, I desribed that Eli and I had been fighting once more. We got back together after a few days and everything seemed fine again. Well, last night Eli got back from his college visit in Savannah. I'm happy for him and the fact that he found a place that he might enjoy. I want him to have a great life and everything he had ever dreamed of even if it's not with me. He told me how great it was and how laid back the environment was. He also said that it was better than Atlanta because he didn't feel like he was going to be jumped everytime he turned a corner. It was also alot more 'friendly' than Atlanta. Plus it's not far from the beach. He said that the people seemed nice and that it was much bigger than Atlanta.

He then told me that he had applied. I hope that he gets in and all... but I'm going to be going to Atlanta alone now. I asked him if Savannah had animation, but he said that I had already been accepted to Atlanta and should stay there. It feels like he doesn't even want me with him. I don't know whether to transfer anyways or not. I could do that you know. The point is that I want to be with him and it just seems that he doesn't want to be with me. Does he want me to go to Atlanta alone, where he thinks that HE of all people could be jumped at any second? I just don't know what to think about us anymore. It truly feels like he doesn't care at all.

Well, apparently his Mom feels like I "hold him back". This really cut deep when he told me this. Hold him back? Woman, I encourage him to do well in school. He wouldn't have even gotten into any of the classes that he was in this semester had I not signed him up for them myself. Hold him back? I remind him of everything that needs to be done and their deadlines. I help him to study. If I hold him back so much, then why am I even here? I lose either way. If I give him up, I'll be devastated and, if he even cares about me anymore, he will too. If I stay with him I'll continue to "hold him back".

I just can never seem to win.